everyone says i have the gift of the gap (for some who don't speak it,it means i am a blardy chatterbox coz i can talk till the cows come home and go back out and repeat the cycle) begging to differ,i sometimes feel like it all plays by my mood,i find i do shut my gap at times.they also say i'm too open about what i think.
and thats my problem.my brain and my mouth are too separate entities.to put it short,i have 2 brains,one stuck in my head that is probably becoming a close resemblance to encephalopathy and the other is a small one hidden in my oral cavity that controls my mouth and probably some nerve fibers to my larynx.in short,again,i don't usually think before i speak.what goes in my head comes out from my mouth and sometimes,i feel like thats the worst of me.
true,some people say its good that i can talk alot and that i'm very open about my opinions.initially,i thought it was a blessing to be able to close akward silences and don't give to fartings about speaking my mind.i always thought it was a good thing to speak my mind after all,why preach about freedom of speech if i don't practice it right?
but like i said,thats where my problem lies.
i practice it too much to the extent that i REALLY don't think before i speak.and most of the time,it lands me in heaps of trouble.and i end up regretting what i say alot.i know that the things i say are hurtful, and harsh and sharp (i get that alot from comments ) and,i'm really trying hard to work on that.i've been trying to hold my tongue and process what i would love to say and what i should say before i exersice my vocal cords and jaw muscles.but again,it haunts me every now and then and i still revert back to my old habits.
one gift i wish i really have is the gift to turn back time.why should ppl be envious of me speaking my mind freely and having the gift of the gap when i find it a curse and torture?granted,sometimes i myself find it cool i have no qualms bout doing that but i guess,there is this guilt conscious part in me that kicks in VERY much later (and alittle too late for that matter)
and to add the cherry on the cake,i realise that my stoopid mistake could potentially cause a chain reaction involving people i never intend to get involved with or hurt unintentionally or give problems too to cut it short and sweet.
i'm trying really hard to change,but its hard.old habits don't die in a day.i'm thinking of listening to my player more so that i cant hear the world and i can keep my gap shut.or resorting to having food in my mouth more cause my next passion in life is food hence said,with it in my mouth,nothing else bothers me.
and the blunders i make,only adds worst to my guilt.i feel so bad for alot of things i've said and done.how i've taken some ppl for granted and literally treat them like dirt.
oddly enough,when i tried apologizing to some of those i've mistreated,they actually thought i was gonna commit suicide since it has been noted that before a person dies,they actually act out of the ordinary.
sadly ppl,i'm still very much alive and am here to continue my tormenting of your pityful soul *evil laugh*

so ends my post here.time to hit the books.