debate again....

cant believe after MONTHS of not engaging in a worthy round of verbal diarrhea....
I TOTALLY SUCKED!!!
went up after months of keeping it all in and ended up feeling like i was a complete,international sucky debater or something.maybe i take things too personally and tend to always strive for perfection.then again..
HOW COULD I BE SO TERRIBLE!!!
went up there,tried to compose my thought and ended up sounding like the market lady trying to sell off her last stock for the day..sigh,guess thats why granpa never really approved of me doing debate cause maybe his right,it makes u start to go vulgar in the way you talk cause u'l be so engaged in trying to prove your points and getting them to see eye to eye with u,all manners literally go flushed down the toilet bowl and into the septic tank..darn it..need to get myself together and get my performance straight.half the time during training i was trying to force myself to think around the rocks while combating the bloody air-con that was blowing into my back.
somehow fate has it that everytime i debate in that same room,i'm on the EXACT SAME ROW and position,with my back EXACTLY infront of the air-con...and i'l end up having what i term 'Pre-debate shivers" due to the air-con and the nervousness as i prepare myself for the speech..
what i hate bout myself after that is my reflection period in the showers(yes,its always there somehow after i finish debate training)..thoughts will go back to the room and how i did,then the worst part of all is seeing myself from a spectators POV and realising what an idiot i must have been..how stupid i sound and worst of all,how illogical my points were.think i lack confidence in myself..argh!!will also start thinking bout how i could have gone bout it..all the WHAT IF'S and IF ONLY...
well,i guess its for the better since thats where i sorta make a mental note to myself on how to tackle that prob next time round and improve myself..then again,does it work?cause i always feel like i never really improve much.still feel like i'm stuck at box 1.maybe i'm not meant to debate..sniff,sniff...cant help feeling sometimes it was a mistake to even engage in this area that often seems to alienated to me...

i wonder what your thinking when i talk to u.
do i disgust u or do i feel normal around u.
sometimes i feel like there is a barrier btw us.
a standard u place in my way to keep me from coming in.
sometimes i feel like u think i'm not worthy of ur company.
othertimes,its like u never really want to associate with me.
am i that horrible or arrogant or selfish to you.
do i potray that impression whenever i speak to u.
that u have to make me feel like i'm unwanted.
unworthy, uncall for, most of all.
just a total waste of space on earth in ur eyes.